the christian left

I went to an all-girls’ private school for two years in middle school. During the fall and spring months, we had to wear “summer uniforms” which were consisted of a dress that you had to have made (few people had the pattern — my mom got an old dress, ripped it apart and learned to sew them) with a hideous belt. And a black grosgrain ribbon tied through two button holes. So ugly. Anyway, in 7th grade we had to line up by color of uniform we chose (any solid color was ok) and we had to go to lunch that way. If your color wasn’t on the list of signs that they had, you were considered an “assorted color”. One Japanese girl didn’t know the names of any of the assorted ones, so she would refer to things as “assorted colors”. Like — you know, the book that is an assorted color? That’s the one to bring to class. The uniforms looked like this.

Not sure why I thought of that today. Maybe to keep my mind from reeling other thoughts. Not too sure.

Last night I made the Chicago Diner Pasta Fagioli, and it rocked. It makes enough to feed about 10 people, but we’re whittling away at it pretty well. In other food news, I received a mug from some jerk who wanted to give me a gift he picked up at his office on Friday. Turns out it’s the perfect latte size. I often think coffee mugs are too large. I like old things — I like the size plates were when I was a kid. I like small drinking glasses. I love espresso cups. And the last two days I have made myself a latte because this is the perfect size and shape. The joke’s on the gifter here.

In fitness news, I ran today at 10-minute-mile speed intermittently for .25 mi running and .25 mi walking. I did that for about 25 minutes until I thought I seriously would collapse. I just want to be able to complete the 5k in less than 40 minutes, if possible, on November 3. I think I am at the point where I just have to force all this. I mean force. I skimped a tad on my other workout and opted for squats, lunges, and some butt-enhancing exercise (no jokes, please) on the ball. I think I’m stronger, but I can’t find the muscle for the fat. I feel it because I feel stronger and more balanced (could it be true?) but I can’t SEE it. Anyway, I am going to try to train for running about 4 days per week until the Big Day to see if it will take on.  Unless we get a stationary bike before then, in which case I may run 3 days per week and XT 3.  I’m not sure why my body won’t submit to my mind. Someone tell me the trick.

Looking forward to lunch.

These are the no meata fajitas from Chicago Diner.  Today, I made the basic seitan recipe.  It was WAY easier and tons better than the last seitan recipe I made, and that was good, too.   For the seitan, I used the Kitchen Aid mixer and was able to do up the whole deal with a lot less mess.

As far as the actual recipe was concerned, I mean the fajita one, I changed a few things.  Mostly out of necessity, though.  I didn’t use any green onion or cilantro because I didn’t have them around.  I also didn’t blend the marinade because, quite honestly, I had used enough dishes and made enough mess for a while.  (Remember I also made seitan today…)  I used probably 2/3 cup of salsa (Herdez, of course!) and I cooked the seitan alone for about 10 minutes before adding the veggies and salsa for about 20 more minutes.  At the end of the cooking time, I squeezed some lime on it to let it steam up and get a last kick.  I served it with warm fajita sized tortillas, sour cream (dairy for me and non dairy for the man of the house), and black beans and brown rice.  I used Marie Sharp’s hot sauce on one and the usual El Yucateco green on the other.  The Marie Sharp’s was my preferred.  But it was all good.

I am convinced that most meat eaters would be happy with this.  And tonight it made at least two vegetarians happy.

I cannot even believe the fun we had last night!  It was a great party and B is a good guy for making it all happen.  I think we can all agree that you don’t have to do anything outrageous to have a great holiday!

Now, I must approach the subject of gifts.  I didn’t ask for ‘em, but I got ‘em.  And thank you all for that.  I don’t need anything, haven’t asked for anything, didn’t expect anything, and do feel badly that so many people brought stuff for me.  I love every last one of the gifts, but more than that, I loved that people came to the shindig.  I had a good enough time that I didn’t even clean before bed!  Now that is big.  Really big.  I happily attacked the mess this morning, not minding it at all, because it was such a good evening.

And today I am kicking back and relaxing with the kids.  B is sick.  So, it’s a good day to stay home.

Well, at least I feel special today.  I love birthdays, holidays, reasons to celebrate.  I love events and planning for events.  I love all that stuff!  Over the years, my birthday has gotten lost in the shuffle of parenting, work, and even just taken a back seat to planning for other things.  Fortunately, though, we’ve brought my birthday back.  It’s been great so far this year.

My folks were up on Wednesday.  Time for a funny story.  We had a fabulous dinner at Mama Mia’s, came back home, I opened my gifts, we put the kids to bed, hung out with my parents.  They were headed out to California on Thursday morning for vacation, and so they had to plan to get up in time to leave our house around 4:30 to make it to the airport for their really early flight.  They went to bed around midnight, and B was working and gaming for a while after that.  Around 3, he heard my mom come upstairs for the potty and realized she was taking a shower.  Then my dad came up, and B asked if they knew it was only like 3:20.  Apparently they did not.  My dad just shook his head and they went on.  The best part — they do stuff like this regularly.

Last night was a dinner with the other side of the family at Baja Burrito.  MMMM.  A couple more gifts and all, no real “events”.  I also opened up a package from the mail and had gotten the Chicago Diner cookbook from some dude and his wife.  That was an awesome surprise.  I picked up a few provisions for tonight and that was about all.

Then, this morning, the baby girl insisted that I have presents first thing.  So, I opened my copies of Fugazi “Steady Diet of Nothing”, Sonic Youth “Dirty”, and White Stripes “Icky Thump”.  So I am listening now.  And smiling away.  I hope to finish the right front of my Central Park Hoodie, maybe make soup in the pressure cooker, run for a while, and go throw down at some skee ball tonight!!!

I guess I don’t  deserve any of this, and that is possibly why I am so surprised at it all.  It just makes me feel special and lucky that I’ve got my friends and family.

What do you wear when you run?  I’m looking for some gear, I think, so I can run outdoors sometime.

So, I got a pressure cooker.  Now what?  Mostly I wanted it for being able to make beans CRAZY fast because sometimes I forget to start them or what have you.  Seriously, what should I do?

lunch 9.18.07

Originally uploaded by laceyb

Today I “invented” a most favorable lunch. Sure, it used a processed “faux” meat, but it was delicious. Seriously. Had I known, I would have braced myself. Or invited company and worn a nice dress that I would refer to as “this old thing?”

I have desperately missed only a few things as a vegetarian. Usually the idea of meat is sickening, but on a rare occasion, I am overwhelmed with a sense of longing. You know, like something I enjoyed as a child or something that has always felt comforting for one reason or another. I didn’t go veg immediately — I did not simply stop one day and decide this was to be my new way of life. Oh no, I was very gradual. Eventually, I didn’t miss steak or burgers or pork chops or bacon and very eventually, I gave up chicken. I have moments where I truly, truly miss the chicken fajita and chicken salad. Not that I have ANY intention of eating chicken again, it’s just something I miss. I don’t know why I do, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t. However, I am most satisfied with my lifestyle change and I am so proud that we have stuck with it and done what we honestly think is best for our world and our bodies. (beat me up later on the recycling issue)

Anyway, back to lunch. This was divine. I made mine with a dairy ingredient, but this could easily be vegan. No doubt about it. Let me preface this to say I always have had a good chicken salad concept as I do not like mayo or most “traditional” chicken salad recipes. So, this mimics pretty well what I used to make. Except for the dead animal parts. I assume you could make this with mayo, onion, and grapes as well for the more “traditional” taste. But I like it this way so give it a try!

Without further adieu…

Chik Salad (serves 1, increase as needed!)

– one Gardenburger chik patty (they’re vegan!)
– 1 tbsp (more or less depending on the texture you like) plain Greek yogurt, I use Fage 2%*
– 2 tsp relish
– dash coriander
– dash salt
– cayenne pepper to liking

Prepare Gardenburger patty on the stove. Dice finely and place in bowl. Add all other ingredients and mix together until desired consistency adding more ingredients if necessary to achieve desired balance.

Serve either immediately or after chilled thoroughly with crackers, on a sandwich, in a wrap, or on salad greens.

*I would use either soy Greek-style yogurt (see Fat Free Vegan Kitchen for a good recipe!) or Vegenaise to make this vegan. It only takes a little to get that binding element and proper creaminess.

I discovered yesterday that running on a treadmill is awesome.  Not only do you get to know exactly how fast, how far, and how many calories, you also have the added plus of getting to watch your favorite tv.  Now, those of you who know me well know well that I am a television aficionado and that I can waste hours, days, weeks, years of my life even watching things that are boring as I was blessed (?) with the world’s longest attention span.  Seriously — I can pay attention to the most boring, monotonous, rigorous, useless things and recognize that they are all of the preceding elements.  But for whatever reason, I hang on.  Anyway.  I was yesterday watching the Pixies dvd and running on the treadmill.  It was the perfect mix of listening to music while you run plus watching something that you don’t have to engage in seriously (sometimes I lose words or can’t enjoy jokes while I’m working hard at running) and the time flew.  Now, let’s be fair.  I do not spend much time on the treadmill.  It is always less than 45 minutes at this point.

I feel that perhaps I should defend myself.  I started “running” at the end of May.  May 31, to be exact.  Since then, I have scooted my massive self along regularly (3-4 times per week, health permitting) and for that I am stunned.  I am not an athlete, in fact, I am the diametric opposite of this.  I like to overeat, I like to eat baked foods, I enjoy cooking and eating and do not plan to give up either.  I have no plans to give up oil or sugar.  Giving up meat was quite enough and I have cut dairy down — way down.  I could not even imagine my life and what it would lose were I not to be an avid cook.  Sure, I make things that fail from time to time and I make things that people don’t like, but for the most part, I can at least be honest with myself for this.  So, if I can be honest with myself on what foods I make that are no good, I can apply this to running, right?  I hope so.  I am trying to get better.  Honestly, I feel like I “should” be able to eat whatever I like whenever I like because I am running and doing my strength training, but I have lost NO weight in the last 3+ months, and I have in fact gained.  So, obviously, my appetite and my physique have something to work out with each other.  But, honestly, I still shuffle along.  Sometimes I really don’t know why I continue to press along — heck, it takes a lot of my time even to find 40 minutes to run plus a shower plus stretching before and after, it hasn’t changed the way I look, I feel about the same as I did before I started, but there IS something.  And I discovered part of that something as I was rocking out to my “oldies” and running.  I think for a long time I have told myself that I can’t and this proves to me that I can.  I can go for longer than 30 minutes, even if my pace is slower than many people walk, and I can make it through.  I think I am ready to maybe buy “real” running clothes (I did pick up some Target ones tonight on clearance, but you know what I mean) and maybe look forward to running a 5k sometime within the next several months.  I don’t guess I am in a hurry to get there.  Sure, I’d love to have that svelte athletic physique that the chicks in Panera on Friday mornings have, but maybe it isn’t for me?  I don’t know yet.  All I know is that there were rumors,…  Seriously, all I know is that I have gotten something and I have stuck with it for some reason and that the music video made it better.  I know that I have run outside enough to know I hate being outside, still, and I am wretchedly embarrassed about how I look and shake and possibly cause illness in my wake.  I’m not sure if cute new clothes will help or if it’s just going to be time, but maybe I need a 5k to force me out there.  And maybe not.

So, give me your music dvds.  I have found what I needed to keep me going!

dinner 9.7.07

Originally uploaded by laceyb

Sometimes you need a little comfort, and well, soup does that for me. Maybe I should make soup every day because I do feel like I need the comfort.

My new meds are giving me an emotional rollercoaster pretty much unmatched by any other medication I have ever been on. At least not for the past 6ish years. So, really, I don’t think I am exaggerating in the least when I say it’s been hard. Holding back is hard. Really hard. And sometimes I can’t — really, physically, just can’t. I have gotten really upset with the kids, really upset with B, really upset with myself. Really upset with myself. Really disappointed in myself. Because my motivations are terrible. I am out of control. I eat too little or way too much, I sleep way too little and am struggling with staying asleep even when I am asleep, I find myself obsessed with vengeance and hostility and often feel very angry. Change my medication? Sure, I could even stop it. But then I would be back to square one, where I arguably am now. My doctor asked for three months. What’s that? Not a lot, right? Only everything. This was supposed to “give me a break” despite everything, and now I have every negative effect and none of the positive ones. I do feel like maybe I should talk to them, but I am nervous to call because I don’t want another “let’s try this” or “let’s see if time takes care of it”. This has been going on since the beginning of June, and it is time for it to be resolved.

Anyway, more about the food. There isn’t really a recipe, but it makes your house smell like one of the most heavenly French soups for a while, and, well, it can be completely animal-free. Yes, I did have “real” cheese with mine, although, it was only a smidge. Something about the sharp and distinctive flavor of Swiss with the onion soup. mmm. So, if you need a taste, let me know and I’ll make some for you. Warms the soul even if for only a minute, and well, sometimes we all need that.

Why can’t I ever get a good song stuck in my head? I can rock out to some Shellac all day, but then when I get away from it, I always end up humming something I hate. Whether it’s Chumbawumba, the Baby Back Ribs jingle, or some other equally repugnant ditty, I just can’t stop humming it. Of course, that’s what I’m supposed to do as a good consumer. Whether it’s major-label trite or commercial jingles, it’s shoved down my throat so much that I’m forced to at least contemplate it. Heck, every once in a while one of them will make their way into my guilty pleasure repertoire.

I can’t help but wonder if this is what happened with all the neo-con homosexuals being outed lately? Whether it’s gay marriage, gays in the military, or whatever, these guys dwell on it all the time. They debate about it, write about it, speak about it, and some build entire careers out of it. The topic of homosexuality has permeated every fold of their brains. Perhaps some ideas have been osmosisized into the “guilty pleasures” category? They’ve desensitized themselves so much, that it’s no longer unnatural to them. The nightmare has become the dream.

“…I get knocked down…but I get up again…”