Turn off and tune out
(this is a sad and depressing post)
How spoiled am I? So spoiled that I can’t see how good God is to me? So spoiled that I let a burned dinner (you may not want to ask) ruin my night. So spoiled that I fail to see that I have the life that most people dream of. So spoiled that I find it easier to let go of God because church often bothers me than to hang on to the parts that make me a better person. So spoiled that I am angry with God for a set of grotesquely swollen eyes thanks to a long night of being upset. So spoiled that I am angry that God can’t help me line up my hormones and I have been sickly for 6 months now.
Seriously. Why is it so hard to get on track? It sounds so easy – be thankful for the things I have, rejoice, praise God, don’t let these little things throw me off. Treat my family better than I do. Act like I know I should. But it’s hard, I say. At least it is for me.
Why is it so much easier to run away? I want a handful of Sundays with no church. (Of course, I can’t miss when I am teaching the preschool class and don’t want to explain to the girl why I don’t want to go.) Days roll by where I don’t pray on purpose. Possibly I involuntarily connect with God because it’s ingrained and something I do, but I say it isn’t on purpose. I feel so unnecessary with it all. God doesn’t NEED me. I should feel that I need him, but I promise I don’t feel it. Maybe it’s a figuring out how He works — I am not too sure. I guess I feel frustrated that I pray for people to get well that never get well, and you know what I mean and how much that sucks. And when I rejoice in the successes and happinesses of others, I often feel that God didn’t have a hand in that. That it just worked out that way due to a series of events. I’m just not sure where and how God fits into all of that. Or if it matters to me anymore.
What I know is that I feel hopelessly selfish, and the guilt from that hurts really bad. What else I do know is that I’ll be at church on Sunday, I’ll write my check, I’ll take communion, I’ll teach class, keep buying gifts, keep on singing, and I’ll keep saying “yes” until hopefully one day it clicks again and I can drag myself back into this wonderful life that I have for whatever undeserved reason with a refreshed perspective. And finally be the kind of person I should be. Not this emo, selfish, discouraging sort.
Until then.
(sorry for the rant. if you made it this far.)
newton dominey said,
November 7, 2007 at 4:40 pm
i think the boat that you’re in is more crowded than you realize. what you should take heart in is that the run of the mill, motion performing mode of christianity is boring you and frustrating you. it bores and frustrates me.
up until very recently, i could’ve written this same exact post (minus the burned dinner bit. mine probably would’ve been musically related or tied into my job or something). then i heard paul talk about the beauty of small things and the beauty of knowing that God doesn’t need us, and that we should take comfort in knowing that he WANTS us and that we are here for His pleasure.
find something to connect to and connect with. maybe it’s burritos. maybe it’s knitting. maybe it’s making dresses for little girls out of pillowcases. there’s something in you that will connect. you’ll know when you find it.
noparty said,
November 9, 2007 at 9:29 pm
At least you got me back for burning the pizza by bringing me a beef burrito for lunch the next day.
holly said,
November 21, 2007 at 1:20 am
Found you on Newton’s blogroll, and I’m glad I did. Like him, I totally could have written this. I especially like this: “I want a handful of Sundays with no church.” I’ve voiced that very sentiment before. I’ve taken breaks from everything in my life–relationships, jobs, etc.–but the one thing that I feel like I need most of a break from is the one thing I cannot let go. Thankfully, I’ve come to more peace since feeling the way you felt when you wrote this, but I still have my Sundays. Thanks for your voice.