the christian left

I am not sure what has stalled me out so much on knitting lately.  I have been casually making mitered squares for a blanket for the new baby, but I haven’t progressed much.  I was beginning to wonder what the problem was, and I have decided I need knit therapy.  And the new girl needs some special things.  I think when you’re the third in the lineup you really do need something very special.  I couldn’t knit when the other babies were born, so this one will have this special stuff!  Since I can knit, I don’t really want hospital-issue hats on my baby.  I know it’s weird and you’re probably thinking that the hats in the hospital are utilitarian because they warm the baby’s head immediately after birth as well as the cosmetic plus that it covers some of the ill features from delivery.    WELL, my baby is going to be wearing Dalegarn Baby Ull superwash for her first hat…  Snobby?  Maybe.  But beautiful.

And to show you the scale I put in this dvd, it’s just the itty-bittiest thing.  Hopefully it’s small enough and hopefully her head won’t be the size of a cantaloupe (for my sake, I’d like to walk again).

Specs –

100% superwash wool, Dale Baby Ull; size 2 and 3 needles; took one day/evening to finish, pretty quick project overall

Tonight I am embarking on matching socks.

We’re watching Hell’s Kitchen right now for some reason.  The chef/host/whatever guy gave all the contestants 3 meat dishes (chicken, beef, and sausage) and asked them to identify what was missing from them.  Turns out they were all soy-based meat substitutes.  NOBODY got it right!  Keep in mind this is 10 or so people, all with chef experience.  The host guy flipped out on them of course for not getting it right.  2 guys commented on how good they were.  They should have ran with that and served it for the big meal at the end to see if anybody noticed.  It would’ve been awesome if when asked what the missing ingredient was, the contestants said “cholesterol”, “hormones”, “antibiotics”, “veins”, “cartilage”, etc.  Actually, I think they all had dairy in them, so not completely accurate.  Still, I think it’s a testament to how far the fake meats have come.

So there are the two shots of me  at 25 weeks.  In the second, my belly is a little larger — I’m not sure why.  I took these shots one after the next, so I don’t know.  I wore the same shirt as last time to compare.  She’s definitely getting bigger in there, but I have only gained two pounds so far.  So, we’ll see.  I feel like the weight is coming on fast these days, but with all the painting and exercise, I guess it’s been a little slower.  Anyway, it’s interesting to track her progress.

And here’s lunch.  IN case you’re worried that I’m not overstuffing myself enough these days, which I assure you isn’t the case.  This is a sub I made with some leftover tempeh bacon (YUM) and melted cheese and lettuce, mustard, etc.  Grapefruit is pretty much my staple food and I haven’t been able to get enough of them since about February, so many meals include them.  I am still cooking when I’m not doing home stuff, so, watch out.

Usually, at this point, I can manage to say it was an ok day if I only cried like once.

I feel like this pregnancy is a full-time job.  And it is the loneliest job ever.  I don’t feel up to doing a lot of things I should, and the things I want to do are often more than I can handle.  I have a two year old who has recently started hitting me.  I feel like my friends are making plans without me all the time — movies or going out without me, playdates with their kids without us.  And really, why would they invite a pregnant lady to slow them down?  I guess I just feel like I’m in it all alone.  B is really busy with work, so I can be home with the kids (for which I am infinitely grateful), and he doesn’t understand why any of this is a big deal.  He’s really laid back and doesn’t have a sense of urgency to get things in order for the baby or anything.  If I come to him with being upset or having a problem, he either doesn’t want to talk about it (which means he’ll never make time for it) or he doesn’t understand how he can make it better.  And maybe he can’t, I don’t know.  It’s probably too much to think he can “fix” things for me — they may not even be broken, it’s probably just my perspective.

I’m not really sure what I need, but I’m really bothered by feeling lonely.  I don’t really fit in with the people I know who are first-time moms.  This isn’t my first time buying elastic-waist pants or trying to figure out how to disguise my gargantuan behind.  I don’t get all of B’s attention because it’s uncharted territory or “special” or anything.  I don’t really fit in with the people we know having their second children.  I just don’t fit in anymore.  I’m tired, sad, fat, and hungry all the time.  And  vulnerable.  And I have no motivation.  I get exercise, so I know it’s not that.  I feel like I’m wasting my last pregnancy.  I’m not sure how to enjoy it.  I know I didn’t ask for this baby, instead she asked for me, and I’m not sure how she expects me to react to this pregnancy.

I have been baking.  It’s dangerous, to be sure, because I have been EATING all this stuff.  And I have a weigh-in next week at the dr, so I should be watching it more carefully.  I probably won’t, though, until I do get the bad news and then I am forced to do something about it.  My motivation is officially gone, I am sad much of the time, and I feel horribly fat.

But here are the goodies.

The first is a French pain d’epices, a spice bread with almonds and figs.  It is best a few days later, if you can wait that long.  Hard to do.  It has an intoxicating flavor and is good any time of the day or night.  The cookies are my standby peanut butter oatmeal ones that make way too much in one batch.    Even the kids approve of the pain d’epices.  Turns out figs are “the daddy” of raisins…